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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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7:33 pm - thought so. :P
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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7:44 pm - interesting
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Googlism for: nick
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nick is so full of life and energy and he is amazed that such a big voice can come from this little guy
nick is a perfectionist too
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nick is one of the most creative shots in squash
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nick is the trade & industry spokesman for the liberal democrat group in the european parliament
nick is so full of life and energy and he is amazed that such a big voice can come from this little guy
nick is our guide in the great gatsby; he relates the story as he has seen it and from what others have told him
nick is one of the most creative shots in squash
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 9th, 2003
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9:29 pm
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2003
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1:50 pm - Guess i'm not so pure. :P
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| Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... | | Category | Your Score | Average | | Self-Lovin' | 28.3%
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself | 61.4% | | Shamelessness | 50%
It takes a couple of drinks | 76.7% | | Sex Drive | 50%
A fool for love, but not always | 74.9% | | Straightness | 7.1%
Knows the other body type like a map | 40.1% | | Gayness | 7.1%
Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame | 79.4% |
| Fucking Sick | 76.1%
Refreshingly normal | 87.9% |
You are 39.64% pure
Average Score: 69.4%
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
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1:53 pm - Today
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well today i didn't wake up till 1pm which was good cause i didn't go to bed till 5am. I'm not sure what i'm going to do today but i know i need to shower and shave though, haven't shaved in a like a week, it's starting to get itchy not a good thing. Ummm, other then those two things i dont' think i'm doing anything today during the day, but tonight i'm going with ashley to see Identity, cause it looks good and should be scary according to a lot of ppl. So i'm looking forward to that cause i've never met ashley b4 and i hope tonight goes well. neways i should probably get going.
I'll write more later tonight most likely
bye for now,
Nick
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, February 17th, 2003
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7:36 pm - Feeling better
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Well i'm feeling better now, kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place i'll have money for rent but not till a week after it's due, so i need to borrow 400 off of somone, anyone have 400 i can borrow until the 7th? hehe. not like anyone would lend me that money but ok though i'd try.
Ummm so yeah, things are better, mom and step-dad came to see the new place. Don't think step-dad cared at all, but mom didn't like it but she is really anal about where she lives anything but what they are living in now would have been not good. But they brough food, and the promise that if i dont' screw them over then they will always be there for me. Sounds great doesn't it, they think very poorly of me, but oh well. Got a vacuum now, and microwave-pop corn, no microwave though. Need to get one of those.
I am feeling better though. I'm really glad i didn't move back east i would have missed it here so much, this is very much where i belong until i find somewhere else that i feel more at home. But i need moutains, and all the other stuff BC has to offer. My friends are here, the few i have are here, i've met ppl from other places, but i think i woudlnt' fit in in those other places, so i'm very glad i stayed.
Since moving out and just b4 i've met some really awesome ppl out here, dont' really get together with them that often, but they are there, and we will meet up when and how we can.
Jill is one of the key ppl in my life right now, she may not like that fact, but still it's there, she is a huge part of it, bigger then any other outside influence. Even when i dont' get to talk to her for a week or so, she still influences me, i try to be a little more like her everyday, but in my own way. I try to take all the good and strength i see in her, and put it in my life, and all the resolve and determination to get what she wants in my life as well. She is the most incredable person i've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I never thought anyone could top christina, but she has, in everyway, christina pales beside her in my mind. Now this could be because i'm am totally addicted to her, and i want to be with her all the time, so i'm sure my view of her is a little skewd. But i'm not putting higher up them me at all. I"m not going to do that with anyone ever again, or at least i'm going to try not to. Cause that only ever makes me feel less, and i'm knwo i'm just as good as everyone around me, i put everyone around me on the same playing level as often as i can. I get and give more out of everything i do that way. It's really great.
There are a few other ppl that are starting to be more of a part of my life, but this entry would be massive ifi wrote about each of them, perhaps i will sometime in the future. Right now though this is good.
I really need to call my parents in Gibsons, but i can't, cause well i have no long distance and no money. Damned food costs too much, and the fact that the place i'm working at wont pay me for another 3 weeks or so. Very not cool, sigh, oh well. tis life maybe i'll put something up for money at a pawn shop and buy it back off of them after i get paid. we will have to see.
But that's enough for tonight, i'm getting tired already and it's only 8pm, this really sucks. oh well maybe i'll wake up earlier tomorrow this way and not be tired for work. which would be good.
Well i gtg, i guess i'll talk to everyone later.
Nick
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 13th, 2003
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7:39 pm - Why?
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Why do i think the things i do, i mean i thought i would be happier and everything if i moved out and nothing has changed really. Sure i have more freedom but for the most part nothing has changed except my location, i still feel like shit on the inside. I really don't know what i'm doing wrong. Maybe i'm not doing anything wrong, but i'm comparing myself to what other ppl are doing that's right and that's not what is right for me. I really dunno, it's all very confusing. I need to change something to do something to make myself better, but i don't nkow what it is i need to do. I do know it's something i need to figure out and no one else can tell me, but i wish someone could.
I keep coming back to the same conclusion that i'm alone. And i dont' mean i don't have a chick to screw, i dont' really care about that right now. I don't have ANYONE at all. All my so called friends ditch me all the time. I just don't want to be alone anymore, i don't even have my family, they have all forgotten me.
At least that's how it feels.
I should go now, i don't even know why i wrote in here no one reads this, no one cares.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 17th, 2003
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9:51 am - Ok so more changes.
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So yeah not going away really far anymore. I'm just moving to downtown Vancouver. So that is actually better. hehe. But yeah, moving on the 1st and yeah it should be great. Looked at a place yesterday and omg do i ever hope my and my buddy get it. It's over 1000 square feet for like 925 for the two of us. So that's like 460 each. I totally hope we get it. I'm crossing my fingers for sure, it's super easy to get too as well, which is nice. And it's in a pretty quiet which is nice. can't hear the cars going by none stop day and night.
But yeah so i'll still be around, but unless yoru going to come see me i'm probably not going to go see you all that much anymore. neways. i should go. not much else to say.
ttyl.
Nick
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 10th, 2003
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10:45 am - Changes
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Well there are a lot of changes going on in my life right now. My view on everything is a lot different then it used to be. Plus i'm wearing different clothes, acting different around ppl and generally trying to live my life more for me then anyone else. Some may say this is selfish and all that crap but for most of my life it's been the complete opposite.
One really big change is my 'change of scenery' that's going to be happening very soon. In fact it's less then a month away when i plan on getting on the bus and not looking back at BC for quite some time. I'm leaving virtually everyone behind. Not telling my parents, in fact i'm leaving while they are in vegas doing a run. Going to pack everything in two duffel (hockey) bags and my big hiking back and then have my little black one for my walk on. Going to carry it all to the bus place at main get on the bus and that's it, no more BC for me, at least not for a good long while. But no more of the parents i have now that's for sure. They will probably never talk to me again, which wouldn't be a big change, more better then worse, seeing as how when they talk to me now it's usually to get mad at me for screwing this or that up.
This is something i feel i need to do, i have a place to stay for the first month or so when i get there. By the time that finishes up i'll have enough money saved up from a job to move out on my own or maybe find a roommate. It's the change i've been wanting and needed for a long time. It will be great for me, help me understand me more and make myself a better person, at least that's the plan. So yeah by the 7th of Feb at the latest i'll be living a new life in a new home where virtually no on knows me, i'm just going to start over. I'm going to get a second chance.
I know a lot of ppl are going to be very mad at me, and that's fine, i can't make you not mad, but it would be nice if you could see beyond me just leave and see that i'm doing this so i can come back some day as a better person as someone who is your old friend but better in so many ways. I'll keep in touch with a select few online once i'm gone but it will only be a few ppl. So if you get an email your a message from me in Feb then you know you made the short list.
So wish me luck. It's a hard road i'm choosing to walk down but i know it's worth it.
Nick
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| Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
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9:17 pm - Last week or so....
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So yeah the last week or so has been really awesome.
I met aimee, for i guess the second time. We went to see the ring. It was a freaking cool movie. and aimee was scared and she hid behind my arm. it was cool. Then jaye (she was with us) jump like a mile at this one part. was very funny, then she punched me cause i laughed. B4 the movie aimee bought me hotchocolate, it was yummy. Then her bro drove me home then they went and took jaye home and then i haven't seen her since then. Makes me sad. :(. well kinda, ok it does. But she is so cool, i just want to see her again. *sigh* i dunno though, i mean really like her she is awesome, but i think i might be scaring her away. I get a bit to into ppl i like especially women. i don't mean to i just do. I really hope i haven't though, i mean i like her but i'd like to start things off slow, dispite the stuff i've said. I mean sure i want that. but it's not what i really need right now, i need support more then that. Much more then that. I'd be much happier having someone around to help keep me sane, someone to share stuff with and maybe get a bit of support from, and i'd totally do the same in return, just need the someone. I had it once b4, and it was great. Almost perfect, i miss it a lot.
Neways i'm babeling now, she is going to come over tomorrow around 11 i think, so we will see how things go. i hope things go well. I'd had to lose her as even a friend, let alone anything more. I guess what i really want right now, is a close friend only more, someone i can get intimate with, but not sexually. but yet physically. Like hugging, cuddling and maybe kissing, but nothing more. not right now. sounds really odd doesn't it. man oh man i dunno. it's not like i would say no if she wanted someting more to happen. i think she is great looking and i'd go along with anything. Well almost anything. but i know nothing is going to happen for a while if at all. i mean i dunno what she wants. i guess i will figure that out as time goes on. but right now i'm going to go to bed. it's late and i'm tired and i need to be up at 9.
gnite everyone. talk to you soon.
~Nick
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| Thursday, November 7th, 2002
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4:56 pm
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So i'm sitting here, bored, tired and alone. It's raining outside and i don't feel like going home just yet. I came to the realization today that i like to help ppl, not cause it makes me feel better, but because i can and i'm pretty good at it. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, what am i really good at? And i don't really know, i think i'm good at helping ppl with problems, and i'm pretty hand with computers and cars. I can drive really well, i'm not a bad writer (well the stuff i write has good structure, and shitty grammer but i'm working on it), i can type very quickly, i can multitask with the best of them, and i can read...i really enjoy that, reading that is. So yeah that doesn't amount too much. I mean what do you do with this. I can't think of anything i could do well with the skills i have. I always though everyone was exceptional at something, i just don't know what i'm exceptional at. I've had jobs in a lot of different feilds, done a lot of different kinds of work. But i've never been really good at anything.
I can think of a lot of things i'm not good at. But then again most of the list is full of things that most ppl aren't good at, like saving money, spending money i don't have... things like that. But there are other things that i'm not good at that i could get better at if i had someone to show/help me how to be better. Like buying clothes, i just can't do this, it's just something i can not do i cannot buy clothes that suit me at all. Or getting a date, i can't seem to do this, i just make "really good friends" what's with that, why can't i get a date. I mean am i boring, or ugly, or what. What is it that makes me undateable, i'd really like to know, and to know what i can do to change it.
but yeah i guess i'm doing alright right now, i have no job, i'm going to call a bunch of places tomorrow and go to some as well, getting a list of places in PoCo and coquitlam that i can go to next week when my grandpa can drive me around for the day. i want a job, more then anything right now it would solve a lot of problems and it would be nice to actually be doing something more productive with my time.
my parents are leaving on the 19th and returning on the 26th so naturally i'm having a party on the 23rd, Not sure what is going to happen yet, but it will be at my house, the hot tub will be open so ppl can use it, and yeah, nothing to crazy i'd like the house to be intact when they get back, i really value my life and if the house was not intact i'd not have one when my parents next saw me. So yeah, we will see how it goes, i will be calling ppl and asking them to come in the next while. I think i will have money to buy food for it, so ppl wont go hungry, probably be a BBQ or something similar, but ppl have to bring there own booze.
So yeah that's that, not much else going on. Just got new puter parts so i have a new computer now it's working good, nothing wrong with it so far. I'm very happy with it even though all the parts are not top of the line, i've had almost no problems, a few software glitches that made it crash (mostly xp's fautl i believe). Other then that nothing at all new, i'm going to sell my car, or try to. My insurance would just be too much even if i had ajob, and i want to move out more then have a car, so yeah the car is giong, i'll get a scouter or something, if i really need to get around.
But i must be going now, been on here too long so i'll talk to everyone later.
PS. Contact me if you would like to come to the party
current mood: creative
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| Thursday, October 10th, 2002
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7:09 pm - meh
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Well i'm at the library in MR right now. I am alone and i don't want to go home tonight. or ever again for that matter. But i will have to eventually probably not tonight though. I have a place to stay for now. But i don't know if it will be a lasting thing. I could crash a peters for a few weeks probably but i would go nuts out there. Nothing to do all the time and stuff. Unless I took my computer but i wont do that, too much of a pain in the ass taking it on the bus.
Man i'm so fucked up right now. My life is going no where and things are going wrong all the time. It fucking stucks. I might be getting sued by the bank for not giving them money but i can't get a job. If anyone knows of a job that i can apply for that is either anywhere in zone 3 exluding surrey and delta pls let me know. I'd really appreciate it. Oh and keep in mind i can't do any or shouldn't do any heavy lifting or be standing all day. Cause if i apply for jobs where i'm lifting a lot them i'll just not get hired cause i have arthuritis. But i can type really good. So that might be the way to go. I'm actually going to a place next week that should be able to help me get a job really fast. they deal specifically with ppl that have disablities. Which will rock cause i'll get a job filling orders on a computer or something like that. which i would totally deal with. being that i can type almost 80 words a minute. Or something like that. it takes almost no effort for me to type. But yeah i guess that's being a bit vain so i'll stop now.
But other then that things are going mostly normal i guess. I'm alone a lot still. I have katie now though so that's cool. we aren't going out or anything. But she is just someone i can be around and i forget all the bullshit that is going on in my life which is a good thing cause if i didn't have that then i would be going insane about now.
But i really need work or free money or something. I mean i got a psychological assesment done not too long ago and apprently i'm above average in almost every aspect. Which makes me wonder why i'm unimployeed. I mean i can type fast i have good manual skills i comprehend what i read at a level above that of a college masters degree. Which is cool i like that a lot. And i can't do almost anythign anyone would need to get done with a computer. I'm the resident mister fix it when ppl have problems with there comps. At least that ppl that talk to me i'm there mister fix it. Everyone else just ignores me cause i'm beneither their notice or something like that i dunno.
On another note a better one. My parents are going away on vacation next month. going to have a bit of a party at my house. Which will be good if i can find ppl to invite. Tis the only problem right now. other then i'll have to ask ppl to bring food cause i have no money to buy any myself. Man i hate being broke. Then again i may be working by then which would absolutely rock. I would be very very happy if this were the case. But i dunno when the party is going to be being that i still dunno when my parents are going to be gone. I'll have to do some more dective work to find that one out. I love knowing how to track my parents where abouts on the web. It's so helpful. And it wastes much time. :P But when i do find out when they leave i'll make another post so that everyone can say they can't come. As per usual.
Ummmm i dunno what else to say really. I mean i'm bored out of my skull and i'd like to do something tonight but i dunno what to do. I do know i need food though but i hate eating alone. I wonder if that's a weird thing or not. Does anyone else feel weird when they eat alone. I feel like i'm doing something wrong. It's kinda creepy. Oh well i'll live maybe i'll get something with katie when she gets off of work in like an hour and half. FUCK what am i going to do for an hour and a half. I cant' chat on here cause they don't let you do that. So i guess i'm stuck reading or writing or if i can find someone to play chess with maybe i'll do that i have my chess board in my bag. Dunno why i brought it with me. I guess i wanted to have a good game of chess again. But i don't have anyone to play against and you really need two ppl to play. I'll just set it up and maybe someone will get curious and come over and ask for a game. Not likely. I look grumpy when i read. Get really into books and i concentrate and i look grumpy. Even though i'm almost always enjoying myself.
Well i think i best be going. Might have a date thign this weekend Not sure yet. Still haven't heard back from her. Tis okay though i'll live. I haven't been on a date in like a year. Havent' had sex for that long either. LOL. not that all my devoted readers needed to know that but oh well. Too late now. Well not really but i'm too lazy to go back and delete it.
Well i should go now. My legs are going numb from sitting so much this evening i need to get up and move around.
talk to everyone later. leave notes if you will. They make me happy. :)
*HUGS* for everyone
*kisses* for the ladies
ttyl Nick
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| Friday, September 6th, 2002
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8:10 pm
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I'm crawling back into my shell again.
after so long of being in there and just the last week finally I start to come out get a bit of a life, and then my mom does this. I don't know if I ever want to come back out again. There is no point. it just hurts to much.
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| Saturday, August 24th, 2002
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12:35 pm
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I'm going to be alone for my birthday again. Alone but crowded by ppl. I don't know if I can deal with it again.
It hurts....too much.
current mood: alone
current music: Seal - Kiss by a Rose
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| Saturday, August 3rd, 2002
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2:06 pm
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Fucking hell. I'm so pissed off. I keep getting ditched. over and over again. I"m soooooo mad. Fuck i just want to crawl in a whole and die. No one would give a shit. all the ppl i thought might even remotley care about me have proven that time and again.
All i do is try to be nice, friendly, just be there for ppl and all they do is through it back in my face. It makes me so mad. I can't stand it. What am i doing wrong to deserve all of the shit i keep getting dumped on me? some pls tell me what it is i'm doing wrong.
I might as well never leave this house every time i try to go out with somone i just end up getting dropped or fogotten. *Screams*
*sigh* i'm so exhasted, i can't take this anymore. None of it. It's getting to be too much.
i don't know what to do....
I don't care anymore
There is nothing in my life that's worth it.
Nothing
current mood:  angry
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| Friday, July 12th, 2002
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10:21 am - A need....
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I feel the need to write today. I'm just not sure what it is i need to write. I also feel the need to relocate and rebuild more strongly then ever. And not even because of the problems i have in my life right now. I just feel like i need a big, no a huge change in my life to get it kick started again. I'm almost certain i can't do that here in a place that i know, and where ppl know me.
It's kind of funny though, i've been reading a lot this morning about how ppl should just be who they are and make the best out of it and that it's perfectly find how ever they are right now. And i like that ideal, but as much as i would love to follow it it's just that and ideal. It's not something that the vast majority of the ppl on this earth can follow no matter how hard they try. And out of that small portion that do, most them are probably just acting the part, not really playing it. Maybe i'm wrong about this, but it's just how things seem to me.
But even with all of this reading i've been doing all i feel is a stronger pull to uproot and start over. From nothing at all. Knowing maybe only one person in the place i move to. I would lower that to no one if i could, but i don't know if i could manage everything on my own. We will see what happens.
All i know is that everyday i wake up and i feel the need pulling me. It's always the first thought/feeling and the last one of the day as well. I know some will say it's just me being and idiot or that i'm never going to do it. It's just a dream, but there has only been one thing that i've ever wanted more then this. And it was so far out of my reach ang anyone else's that it was foolish to want it. But i did at the time more then anything ever in my life, and if it was possible i'm sure i would have made it happen.
ugh, i really don't know where this entry is going. Frankly i don't care, i just needed to write.
If there was one thing i wish i could do, it would be to express what i'm feeling inside. But i can't. I don't know that i would want to. When i really think about what i feel most of the time it scares me. I wonder what would happen were i to let it take over me and guide my actions. Almost nothing good could come from it, of that i am sure.
'I would drown the world in my tears if i let my control slip for more then a second, that is all it would take to lose the fragile grip i have on my emotions. Then my anger and fury would burn the world to ashes around me and i would truly be alone.'
Dunno where that came from. Well i guess maybe i do. But i don't know why it came out.
I think i'm going to go now. Write what you will. say what you will. it wont change how i feel.
~Nick
current mood: hated
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| Thursday, June 27th, 2002
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8:20 pm - Writings
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Well I wrote both of these writings back to back today over the course of about an hour. let me know what you think. bad or good.
First this one.
What I would not give
To be happy again
It's been so very long
Since I could wake up
In the morning and
Not feel rage, or fear
Or pain, It's been so
Long since the last
Time I woke with
Nothing but good thoughts,
A smile in my eyes,
And a sigh of conferment on my lips
All I have now is
My constant rage, deepening fear,
And never ending pain.
Then I wrote this.
We sit down on my bed
To relax, to talk, to listen, to feel
after not too long you move closer
until finally you are beside me
you rest your head on my chest
closing your eyes
sighing softly as you relax
listening to the sound
of my heartbeat, feeling
the head of my body.
I gently run my fingers
through your hair tucking
a stray strand behind your ear
I continue down softly tracing
the smooth curve of your ear
across your cheek and neck
to rest my had just above
the hollow of your breasts
I close my eyes as I see
your lips curve in a silent smile
I finally relax relishing
in the feel of your body
next to mine; I smile
And now nothing else matters.
So ya tell me what you think. Two totally different topics back to back. kind of gives some insite on what's going on inside me.
Well ttyl
~Nick
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3:21 pm - angry
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I'm so freaking angry right now.
I hate it when I'm this way I bitch at everyone and make half the ppl I know hate me.
I need to cool off so bad. I don't know what to do though.
My ex-gf/best friend makes me so mad it isn't even funny.
She says she cares and is just being honest and I guess she is being honest.
But I can't believe that she cares. not for one minute.
But whatever it's her fucking life and she can do whatever the fuck she wants with it.
It just pisses me off so much. She makes me feel two inches tall and I can't do anything.
Like she only was with me cause she was taking pity on me cause I can't find anyone else.
*YELLS* *CRYS* *BREAKS* *RUNS* *HIDES*
I might as well not even be here. I can't do anything right. just ask anyone I've talked to today.
All I've done and all I ever manage to do is screw everything up. No matter how much I don't want to.
It doesn't seem to matter I just fuck everything up and I always swill. it's inevitable. My whole family is great at everything. Can get anything done and is totally with it. Everyone but me that is. I should never have even been conceived I'm worthless and I always will be. My dad hates me and resents that I'm his son cause I've never amounted to anything. My mom doesn't care about me she never has and never will. Both my step-parents think they know what is best and press it on me to make me into something I'm not. No one cares, no one every has or ever will. If I ever find someone that does I'm just going to run, cause I don't want to corrupt them I don't want them to see me. I don't want them to care about me I'm not worth it.
~Nick
current mood: angry
current music: t r a n c e [] c o n t r o l - In Trance we Trust
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| Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
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11:07 am - Falling Apart
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Everything seems to be falling apart around me. I guess it's all my fault though. It all started because of me being dishonest with my boss. I wish i had told him so many months ago things would be so different now. I dont' know if things would be better but i don't see how they could be worse then they are now. I lost my new job yesterday, apparently i dont' work hard enough or so one of the employee's felt and so now i'm jobless once again. I worked my ass off at that job too, tried my hardest got everything going. But it wasn't enough for one person. That pisses me off so much but nothing i can do about it, not now. Then on top of it all i still feel like i'm losing my gf, she just doesn't seem to be able to accpet me for me, she wants me to be more romantic now. I've tried in the past and everytime it's turned out shitty so why would i keep trying. I just don't get it. I try so hard to make her happy, to make things good. But it's not enough. Ya okay we have sex everytime we see each other or at least we try too, but that's cause everytime means once every two weeks or so. Would you not want to have sex too? i think she is the most amazing person in and outside of bed. I can't help it that i want to take her everytime i see her i dont' even get to see her at all except that one weekend or even day durning the two weeks. And it's hard to cram in all the stuff i want to do with her. I try to talk to her everyday but sometimes she is tired or busy with school stuff, that's cool i want her to get the best of everything she can.
I just dont' know what to do anymore and i think i may take my mom's advice and just leave it with her. So that i have more of my mind focused on things around me and so that i can get out of debt and deal with my lawyers and stuff. I just can't bring myself to tell her it is what i think i need. But at the same time like i said it's what i THINK i need. I'm not sure if it is what i need.
I have to go though. if i stay in this house too much longer i'm going to get kicked out and that would be the final straw i'm sure. I'll find out tomorrow what my lawyer has to say, it should be an interesting day. If he has bad news which i think he probably does then i'm out of here as soon as i get out of jail if the news is that bad. Cause i can't handle it anymore i'll make my way to the interior probably. Or maybe down to the states i don't know yet.
Well i'm going to go now. good luck to everyone in there lives i hope you fair better then i have.
~Nicholas Dew
current mood: stressed
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| Friday, February 1st, 2002
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9:23 pm - Gone
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Well i think things are very shitty now. I've lost christina for good i think, she said she would call me tonight and now i haven't heard from her and it's 9:30pm and i called her and they asked who it was and i said that it was nick and then they said she was out. So i don't know what that means. I have a feeling that maybe she wont talk to me at all now maybe not ever again. I'm not sure but it's possible that things are totally over. Forever. I really don't want that, but i have to be honest with myself i don't know if we are really that good for each other anymore. I'm totally fucked when i think about her, i can't even think straight at all. She seems fine though, so maybe she is better off with out me, then again i could say the same thing about the rest of the world it might all be better off with out me on it. Maybe that's what i should do just give up and leave this world, i don't do anything important and all i do is hurt everyone i touch. I just want what i had with her back that's all i want. I want to be wanted and needed again but i guess christina doesn't need anyone anymore especially not me, i don't make her happy, and i can't do anything to help her at all anymore. I've lost everything that i've ever loved that has ever made me happy and it's all happend in the last month. To think i didn't think things could get worse a little while ago, how wrong i was. Things went from the bottom to even further down. I don't know if anyone can help me get out of where i am inside now. I've gone deeper inside then i ever have b4, it scary in here though, very dark and cold, i can't feel anything at all where i am. I guess that's a good thing cause right now at this point i would expect my heart is being torn in two. Only a small part left just a little bit to keep me alive, christina had the rest of it, it was all for her always was.
I'm going to go now, i'm sorry if i don't talk to anyone again. Now that i've lost everything i don't have a lot of reason to be around. Good bye.
~Nicholas Arthur Dew
is Gone
current mood: dead
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